Wedding Thoughts

I went to an ex-classmate's wedding almost a month ago. It was almost right after I almost-shaved my head.

No offense meant towards her, but man, I fucking hate weddings. Seriously. No offense. I'm just referring to weddings in general.

I hate that most of them are just so cliché-ridden and lame, that everyone's lazy and doesn't bother coming up with interesting, fun stuff. It's an event, and the purpose of an event is to entertain. Self-indulgent shit like showing your wedding pictures is just not going to cut it. Neither is crappy home video footage of the morning's events or the church service.

Why not a documentary involving candid interviews of the couple's families and friends? Imagine what funny anecdotes will be told, what dark secrets will be spilled, how many genuine, touching moments there can be.

And while you're at it, perhaps there could be performances by friends and family. Or hired performers like a band or standup comedy. Belly dancers. Martial artists. Fucking Cirque du Soleil. Hell, you're only limited by your budget. Remember, you want everyone to remember your big day forever, and not for how it was the most boring affair they ever attended. You want to be the talk of the office water cooler for years after, to have the wedding that everyone's inspired by, to be the final word in matrimonial celebrations.

Another thing I hate: what's with the over-dramatic entrance by the waiters for the first dish? If I have to sit through another instance of waiters strutting through darkened rooms holding candle-lit plates aloft to the strains of The Final Countdown, I will fucking kill someone.

If you wanna do that, how about having them rappel down from the ceiling a la Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible?

Drunk relatives should be a must at every wedding. You really feel their absence, it's just so much more boring without them. Fistfights are a bonus.

I also dislike giving red packets, mainly because I have so little money most of the time.

And finally, the thing I hate most about weddings is that they remind me of how pathetic my dating life is.

Anyway, I do have one thing I enjoy about weddings. They're a good excuse to dress up, and I like that, as you can see:





Yes, I am wearing the coat I got from the Niteskool shoot.

Finally, even though I maintain throughout this post that I hate weddings, I still wish her happiness always.