5 Lessons I Learnt from The King

With both The King and The Queen playing in theatres at the same time, it was a bit of a toss-up as to which figure of royalty to watch first. My friend tipped the balance when she declared that the former was the obvious choice because Gael García Bernal was a hottie. And so The King it was.

I have to admit, Bernal is an attractive-looking man. And he does take his shirt off a lot in the movie, to the joy of my friend. But unfortunately, that wasn't enough to save the movie.

Honestly, I don't know what all the fuss is about. Why critics are raving about this film is beyond me, because I found it predictable and boring. Why, it simply feels like 雷雨 (Chinese playwright Cao Yu's Thunderstorm - which happens to be the basis for Curse of the Golden Flower) with a revenge plot thrown in for good measure.

The bewildering music cues seem to want to suggest that Bernal is a benign figure, or that underneath his friendly mien lies a deceptive, twisted heart. But we know that already, right from the start, no thanks to the many reviews already written on it. So it's fooling no one, especially when he seduces a 16 year-old with the full knowledge that she's his half-sister. From that point on, every plot twist that comes about can be anticipated, save a sudden, unprovoked act of violence. When the young lass announces she's pregnant, it was all we could do not to heave a sigh of pure boredom, and I turned to my friend and said, "Wow. We didn't see that coming."

The bloody ending didn't do much for us either. For a far more superior revenge drama, I'd suggest the recently-screened Turning Pages, which builds to a white-knuckle climax that's all the more powerful for not spilling a single drop of blood.

But that's Turning Pages, and this is not. This movie made us so bored that we came up with a list of 5 lessons that we learnt from the film. Tongue firmly in cheek, of course.

1. Gael García Bernal's English is much better than expected
This shows that there's no excuse for crossover actors not to sound natural in a foreign language, provided you have a bunch of language coaches standing by at all times.

2. Good Christian girls are easy
All you need is a cool, retro-looking car and a willingness to go down. Yes, that way.

3. If you're Christian, it's OK to kill someone, as long as you say you're sorry
You need a good Christian girl to pray together with, and say that it was an accident. Then you can be at peace with yourself and continue to bang said good Christian girl, who just so happens to be your half-sister.

4. Christians will applaud anything
But only if you are invited onstage during one of their services. Then no matter what crap you spout, even if it's just "Hi... hi..." they'll go batshit insane for you.

5. Two words: Birth control
Everything in this movie could've been avoided if these silly people had just used a damn condom. This is probably the strongest argument for the use of contraceptives in the history of film. Basically, if you don't use a condom, your illegitimate child will come back one day, impregnate your silly teenage daughter (again, condoms, people!), kill your son, and then later your wife and abovementioned daughter along with her unborn child. And you don't want that to happen, do you?

Now that you've learnt everything there is to learn from this movie, there's no need to actually see it anymore. There, I just saved you the price of a ticket. You're welcome.