Masturbatin' May, Batwoman!

Blockbuster season means no real films to see. Sigh.

Dark Matter
Hardworking Chinese student is screwed over repeatedly by his professor, and eventually snaps and goes on a killing spree. This true story's got lots of dramatic potential, but unfortunately the film squanders it. Liu Ye is a good actor, but he doesn't really get much to do with the rather superficial script, which never really lets us get into his character's mind. Meryl Streep, too, is wasted, in a role that is requires little effort for her. She and Liu have one rather effective scene together, but everything else is rather pedestrian, despite everyone's best efforts.

Nim's Island
This was a real pain to sit through, and the more I think about it, the more I dislike it. The setup's very forced to begin with, and it only becomes more and more unbelievable, with the ridiculously helpful "animal friends". The overly cutesy shit does not help one bit. Jodie Foster doesn't fare well in slapstick mode - she's way too good for this crap. Stuff happens, and stuff happens, and then more stuff happens, but there's a complete lack of urgency or sense of danger, and above all, no real reason to care at all.

Doomsday
I'd heard this was rather shitty, but since it's coming from Neil Marshall, I was prepared to give it a shot. Still, I was greatly disappointed. It's all very stupid, and very incoherent, with a patchwork feel to the whole thing. Besides, all the fun bits (i.e. over the top gore) were snipped away by Singapore censors, which makes what's left behind simply blah. At least Mitra makes a decent kick-ass heroine with lots of attitude, and there's a rather good car chase. Otherwise, it's really a waste of time.

Speed Racer
I'm glad I saw this for free, because I'd have been so pissed if I'd paid for it. This is nothing more than a soulless CGI confection of candy colors and swirling images. It's an over-the-top live-action cartoon that's quite possibly the most annoying movie (both visually and acting-wise) I've seen this year. It's as if the Wachowski brothers were waving their dicks in your face - I've got lots of money: check out my ridiculous computer-generated backgrounds and pointless transitions! The irritating kid and his monkey made me want to throw my shoe at the screen, except I was seated too far from it. The moral of the story is completely unconvincing - how can I believe that you're being sincere in espousing the values of the independent player against evil corporations when your movie had such a titanic budget? All in all, for something targeted at the ADD preteen crowd, it's strangely boring despite epilepsy-inducing rapid editing.

Taxidermia
This truly bizarre film almost out-Cronenbergs Cronenberg, with its twisted takes on the horrors of the body. I'm definitely in love with the insane visuals and crazy camerawork, and anything with such a strong directorial vision surely has something to say. I'm just at a loss as to what it is. I mean, how on earth do you make sense of images like the scene where a man ejaculates fire?

Honestly, doesn't that just make you go, "What the fuck?!" And that's just the opening scene (!) - the whole film is filled with stuff like that. Whatever you want to call it, you can't call it boring.

ช็อคโกแลต (Chocolate)
I've only seen a couple of Thai martial actioners, and can't claim to be an expert on the genre, but it seems that they generally have a couple of things in common. The action is usually intense and very authentic-looking, because they actually do perform most of the stunts instead of relying on CGI (hell, lives are cheap in Asia - cheaper than good CGI, for the most part). But the plot and script is, more often than not, complete rubbish, generating far more laughs and groans than pathos. This is no different, despite having a female lead character who's autistic, and a martial arts genius too. The fight scenes are well-choreographed and entertaining enough, a highlight being the climactic showdown across the entire front of a building that has to be seen to be believed. But it lacks the visceral oomph of, say, Tom Yum Goong, and the clunky melodrama often kills the momentum faster than a speeding bullet.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
This being the first Indiana Jones flick I've ever seen in theaters, I went in with rather high expectations. And for a while, it doesn't disappoint. The opening sequence is as exciting as anything in Indy's heyday, with a deliciously evil villain in the form of Cate Blanchett, who's terrific. However, it sinks into clumsy exposition with the introduction of LaBeouf, who might or might not be Indy's son, and the pacing begins to suffer. Thankfully, it picks up again when Allen comes in, and never lets go through all of her and Ford's bickering. A fun, entertaining and nostalgic ride.

Zwartboek (Black Book)
Verhoeven returns to true form with this instant classic that I've been waiting to see play here since forever. Basically, it's like "Lust, Caution" but with more action. It's chock-full of twists and turns, and moves along smartly at a brisk pace. There's a stunning lead performance from Van Houten, but no one fumbles their game, either. Verhoeven is unambiguous in his criticism of war, and the film subscribes to his rather pessimistic view of humanity.