Like a Seven Year-Old, I Crawl Into Bed

Saw Abre Los Ojos (Open Your Eyes) last night (in a theatre!) and am feeling very guilty about falling asleep in the middle of it. I know, I have the same excuse all the time - I was tired. Luckily I'd seen the Cameron Crowe remake, Vanilla Sky, before this, so I wasn't all that lost when I finally woke up. I kinda like this version, it's definitely more streamlined, more down and dirty, like an indie film should be. Crowe's was really really... glossy in comparison. I do like his musical choices though. And well, everyone knows Tom Cruise can't really act (except maybe in Magnolia).

I think it's something about the office that just saps my energy. I wake up tired, go to work and pretty much sleepwalk my way through, and go home unbelievably exhausted. When I think I've mustered the energy to do something after work, like see Abre Los Ojos, I promptly fall alseep. It's now only about 8.30pm and I'm longing to go to bed. Oh well, at least I have the day off tomorrow. I'll probably be energetic as fuck. Whatever that means.

I thought of a good metaphor today while taking a smoke break. See, my life is the cigarette, and my company is represented by the smoker, i.e., me. The cigarette burns fine on its own - not too fast, not too slow. But once the smoker starts sucking on it - fwoosh! It quickly gets sucked dry and burnt out. Apt, no? Right now, my company is furiously sucking on my filter, and I know it's a chain-smoker.

Like I say, I often wake up in the morning and ask myself what the fuck I'm doing with my life. Perhaps it's too late now to regret signing up for this. The company doesn't seem to have any plan for me, unlike many other such organizations that give out scholarships like this. I suppose someone just goes, "Oh, I have a bunch of people who are contractually bound to us for 4-6 years each. Let's see... ooh, I think it'll be fun to stick him here. And her there. And... oh, I'm bored. I think I'll go for lunch." And then promptly forgets all about us once he's back from lunch break. Seriously, I see no prospects at all in the future. Nada, zip, zero, none, mei you. Where am I going to be? I shouldn't be asking myself that, not when I'm supposed to be sitting well and pretty.

I know that without it, I probably would never have gone to NU and gotten so many opportunities. Is this what happens when the security blanket of school is ripped away? I thought I was cynical, but now I know I wasn't all that cynical, not quite yet. Is it unreasonable of me to be expecting something more? Can this be that goddamn "quarter-life crisis" that was the topic of discussion in the mainstream media a while back? I mean, it feels pretty much like a fucking crisis to me, thank you very much.

I also know it sounds whiney. Lots of people don't have jobs. Lots of people don't have job security. Yes, but then again, when a company gives out shit like that, I think they're obliged - nay, should be compelled - to get their shit together and give us the respect and treatment we deserve. After all, people leave your company all the time, don't you think it's because you suck in some small, undefinable way perhaps?

On a somewhat related note, I've hopped from my current program which deals with rape, murder and all that fun stuff to a sitcom-like thing, doing casting. I get to spend more time in the office (boo!) but probably less time at work (yay!). So not too bad. I get to return to good ol' semi-documentaries sometime in December. But hey, I'll still be writing them. Actually, that depends on whether my exec producer likes the sceenplay I just gave her today. Hey, I have a framing structure comprised of close-ups of tattoos, which I happen to think is a very cool idea. So there.