Parents and Kids

My mom surprised me the other day by saying very casually to me, "So you got your first paycheck right? When are you going to give us some money?" (Or something to that effect, I don't really remember)

I was flabbergasted.

Some background info for you non-Asian, and hyphenated-Asian folks. When a child ventures out into the world and starts making a steady paycheck, he/she is generally "expected" here to present his/her parents with a portion of said paycheck as a gesture of appreciation for all that they've done throughout the years.

Which makes sense if the parents are earning a meagre living and still supporting the family, or if they're retired and are living off their savings or pension. But not when one of your parents makes 3 times what you do, and the other almost 8 times. It just didn't make any logical sense to me whatsoever.

"OK, I know I racked up a lot of bills on your credit card, but I have the statements and I fully intend to pay them in full."

"It's not that. We don't need you to pay them."

"OK... (puzzled) I had to pay my roommates for the summer's rent, and my iPod took away a big chunk too. I'll have to wait till the end of the month to see what I can give you for that."

"I said you don't have to pay us back. You should have set aside a portion at the beginning of the month. We shouldn't be your least priority."

What the fuck? Where's this coming from?

"You're not making any sense."

"No, you're not getting me. It's not about the money, it's about filial piety."

Throwing that phrase at me just pisses me off even more. That's one the most ridiculous, overused phrases ever in an Asian context. Basically it's an excuse for parents to guilt-trip you and load you with emotional baggage so you will constantly have them in your mind and not neglect them or toss them off into a retirement home.

"It's not about that. It just doesn't make any sense to me."

"You know KC's daughter? She's in the same company as you. Her take-home pay is only $1800 a month. She asked her dad how much he wanted, and he said $600. So that girl is giving him that every month. So obedient."

"No, that's just ridiculous and stupid. Unless he was retired, or making far less money than she is."

Seriously, it's even worse than income tax. What a stupid girl.

"So which part of 'I don't know if I have enough money to last the month' didn't you understand? I just don't."

And so it went.

I wonder when this ridiculous practice started, and everyone assumed it was their god-given right (not that I believe in god, capital G or not) to claim a portion of their child's income, and to dub them as ungrateful bastards should that fail to happen, without taking into consideration logic and common sense.

It's not that I'm not appreciative. It's just that I have enough troubles without people guilt-tripping me out, even if they are my parents. I'd much rather show my appreciation in other ways, like volunteering to drive my lazy-ass brother to his dorm so they don't have to.

Yes, I should probably be less pissy. Yes, I do look at a friend whose mom is in the hospital and think I should try to feel the way she feels towards her mom. And I think I do, at least I hope so.

I also look at a good friend whose parents are in a situation, and think "perhaps it would be better if he could let it all go". But who am I to tell him that? It's hard. And coming to terms with that even harder. It's something he has to figure out for himself, whether it's something he really wants, or feels he can live with. I want to tell him he's a great guy, it's not his fault at all, he doesn't have to feel obliged to do anything to keep it going. I don't know if he reads this blog on a regular basis. But if he does, he should know what I'm talking about. Maybe he'll hate me for it. After all, it really is none of my business. And I admit, I am an outsider. I do not know specifics. I cannot judge. And I will not judge. I will, however, listen if you want me to. And I will tell you honestly what I think. And if I don't have any ideas I will shut up and just be there if needs be.

And if any of you were to ask "Who is this person?", I only have one reply: "Mind your own fucking business." I'm writing this down because it's something that's been on my mind quite a bit recently. That's all.

On another note, I read an article in the papers where this writer visited some children's homes and noted how he felt. Basically, he says, it's the little moments he witnessed that made the Homes feel not like institutions, but like real homes. The kids taking care of each other, the closeness between the staff and the kids. These kids haven't had a great childhood, and if they're of a certain age, they're probably going to stay in the Homes until they're 16, because people only want to adopt cute babies or toddlers. Why aren't there more people willing to take these kids in? You don't need to mould them from birth for you to have a positive effect on their lives. If they'd let me, I'd adopt a kid in a heartbeat, no matter how old he was. Of course, it's only theoretical... I'd probably die under the pressure, and then he/she would have to go find another foster parent. But still, I'd fucking try.

I think I'd make a fucking great dad. So there.