I'm Such a Cinewhore

Somehow, even though I had an insane schedule last week, I managed to see a whole bunch of movies. Some of which I'm almost ashamed to admit I saw, and even more ashamed to admit I even kinda liked. I'm such a whore.

13 Going On 30
Yes, I know, its target demographic is little 10-16 year old girls. But I have a soft spot for Jennifer Garner. And, you know, it's fluff, but it's fluff that works. Sure, some spots were cringe-worthy, but she pulls off the role of a kid stuck in an adult's body with remarkable ease.

I think I was probably really tired and looking for something - anything - to amuse myself with. It worked.

Alright, I'll go stand in the corner as punishment after I post this.

Do I have to be whipped, too?

You sick fucks.

Les Choristes (The Choir Boys)
Dead Poets Society with younger boys and singing. By the book sentimental piece, often tries a little too hard, but not as hard as some Japanese or Korean movies. Works best when it doesn't try to - nothing beats a slow push-in on an angelic boy's face as he sings his solo proudly. Clumsy present-day-we're-all-grown-up-and-reminiscing framing sequence. Too black and white, and not enough shades of gray in-between. Would it be too much to ask for characters with a little more depth?

Wicker Park
Awful. Awful. Awful.

Where do I even begin? How about with structure? It's one thing to fuck around with the timeline. Plenty have done that before, and done it well - Pulp Fiction, Amores Perros, 21 Grams (a little more questionable). But not this time. The first few flashbacks were fine, since you were kinda learning a little more, but then when they started piling up faster than drunken fratboys at a party, you know there's something seriously wrong. Plus, you don't really give a shit, since there's nothing compelling in any of the characters or their situation whatsoever.

Oh, and their situation. Contrived can't even begin to describe it. "Two years ago" in the movie's timeline, there are missed connections due to someone not delivering a letter, and deleting the messages in another person's answering machine. Two years ago, cellphones were already pretty popular, I'd think. And certainly they'd have email, unless they were trapped in Tibet or something. But no, they are kept apart purely by the contrivances of the script.

You'd think they'd learn their lesson, and get fucking cellphones already.

And they do. Although that doesn't seem to help matters much, and before you know it, even more contrivances step in and confuse matters until you pretty much feel like stepping in with a shotgun and blowing everyone away. Apparently their answering machines have the amazing ability of being able to record messages only when the script calls for them to do so. The rest of the time, all you get is a dial tone.

Liked seeing Chicago on the big screen.

Hated the editing. Every time you go into a flashback, there's a freeze frame and then a zoom-in. UGH. Also goes into split screen a couple times for no apparent reason. Annoying opening titles that look like a fucking powerpoint presentation.

As for the acting, I'll leave you with quotes from the review in The Onion:

Few actors have less expressive eyes than Josh Hartnett. Dark abysses at the center of a vaguely simian face, they convey all the emotion and vulnerability of coal.
As she was in Troy, fetching newcomer Diane Kruger is called upon to display the kind of irresistible magnetism that inspires epic displays of worshipful devotion. And, as in Troy, she's nowhere near up to the task.
Rose Byrne gives a performance far better than her surroundings deserve, radiating neediness and despair even as the film contorts into ever more unnatural shapes.

I knew it was going to be awful. Yet I still went. Sometimes we have to see bad movies to make the good ones seem even better.

Oh yeah, and they totally raped The Scientist, a Coldplay song I really like. Fuckers.

Three... Extremes
A compilation of 3 horror shorts, each from a different Asian country, each with a director acclaimed in his own way. "Sequel" to the first Three, which was extremely uneven - two of the shorts sucked ass, while one was unbelievably good. This time around, even though nothing quite matches up to the quality of Going Home, the best segment the last time, everything's a little more even, and it's all decent.

It starts off with the wonderfully macabre Box by Takashi Miike, he of Audition, The Happiness of the Katakuris and Visitor Q. Much mindfuckery, gorgeous production design and cinematography await. It's great how he sets scenes up to be completely cliched, up to the point where you expect the sudden screechy music and the ghost with the long hair to flit quickly across the screen - and then he doesn't do it. He just insists on sidestepping all the cliches that come with the territory, and instead delivering a narrative that slowly gets under your skin so you're squirming with discomfort at, for example, a man playing with a doll. Brilliance. I need to watch it again, given all the different levels of mindfuckery going on. But I'll be happy to. And with little twin contortionist girls, a midget, and a bizarre circus act, there's really no reason not to. I mean, come on, you gotta love midgets.

Next comes the weakest link, Fruit Chan's Dumplings. It's shot by the incomparable Chris Doyle, even though it's not his best work. There's a shot that looks normal, until the male actor exits frama right, but then passes in front of camera from the left, and then you realize the camera's been shooting a reflection all this while! Pretty fuckin' slick. All in all, it's not so hot. Crazy lady sells dumplings made of human fetuses to aging women desperate to maintain their looks. Sounds cool, but unfortunately it doesn't really go anywhere. And there's a distinct lack of mindfuckery.

Park Chan-Wook's Cut finishes it up. He recently got the Grand Prix at Cannes for Oldboy, so he's apparently quite the talk of the town. Anyhow, a horror movie director gets kidnapped by a crazed extra, and put in between a rock and a hard place - he has to strangle a random little girl to death, or every five minutes one of his wife's fingers gets hacked off with an axe. Most of it happens in real-time, which is pretty damn cool, and the concept is smart too. Production design is gorgeous, reminding me of the Cremaster Cycle. Tension is pretty high, even though mindfuckery is, again, absent - but sadly he manages to destroy everything in the last minute (literally) by having an inexplicable ending. Or maybe I was stupid and missed something. Whatever. It's great all the way until the end. Kinda reminds me of Signs, in that respect.

Dodgeball
My second time viewing this movie. I really really like it. It's got a tight script, with a good throwaway line almost evey second. The visual gags are pretty good, and you can really tell that the screenplay has been written and re-written so many times to cut out all the fat. How can you not love all the bizarre characters in there? I have lots of fun every time, and by far, my favorite gag is the one involving the $100,000 in the briefcase. The Deus ex Machina written on the chest of money is pretty funny too, and it's there to make the smart people feel better about coming to a dumb comedy.

Fuck you, Singapore censors. You took out two scenes - the kiss between the two girls near the end, and Ben Stiller doing the Milkshake Song after the credits. Fuckers. Obviously we can't have girls kissing each other in movies. Impressionable females will follow suit and become lesbians, and the birth rate will fall even further, and then we'll really be in deep trouble. Or maybe it runs counter to Traditional Asian Values, a.k.a. convenient excuses you, and the powers-that-be, cart out at the drop of a hat. And I guess said Values don't really have any latitude for the Milkshake Song, do they?

Ah, go fuck yourselves.