Oh, the Horror!

I've selected my "Best of 2005", I just haven't had the time to write them up. Don't worry, they'll be done soon. In the meantime, here's a bad review of a local show, painstakingly transcribed from 8 Days, just for your amusement.

Throw them a Lifeline, please!
by Celine Tan

There are blazing sirens, emergency vehicles screeching to a halt, and actors looking impressive in uniform. There are even split screens because one screen just can't contain all the action taking place at the same time. But beyond the flashy packaging, Lifeline, the Civil Defence answer to Heartlanders, is a mess of cheesy lines and contrived moments, which Gurmit Singh and gang fail to revive despite their valiant efforts. Only Adam Chen seems to resuscitate his lines with his surprisingly natural portrayal of a hapless cop.

We don't know whether to laugh or cry at lines such as these: "How can we not tell her we're cutting off her leg? Wouldn't she find out eventually?" and "Time heals everything. Well, almost everything." The action scenes, complete with over-emoting extras, look more like Crimewatch re-enactments. And our disbelief can only be suspended that much - Gurmit's firefighter character amputates a victim's leg with what looked like pliers. Distracting us from the implausible action is a "love square" involving Daniel (Gurmit), Hui Yen (Michelle Chia), Szeto (Timothy Nga) and Christine (Cheryl Miles).

Verdict: ***
One star's for Adam Chen's inspired comic turn as a bumbling policeman. If only the rest of the show were as funny as he is.

I can assure you though, that the actual show is much, much worse than this review suggests. It actually makes Days of Our Lives seem like Oscar material. In fact, one could say that the title Lifeline is derived from the words Lifeless and Flatline. The former refers to the script, while the latter refers to audience reaction.

Yet, somehow, against all odds, it still manages to rate. Which begs the question: Am I overestimating the audience?