The Stories of Naohiah

Fwah, I tell you ah, today I go to see this new show, The Kro-, Chron-, aiyah, The Stories of Naohiah. Damn funny loh, the chewren's cupboard hor, inside got forest one. But the story is quite cock, and too long oredi, I think I can write better one. Tell you what lah, I write my own version now, hoh boh? You all just relak relak and enjoy!

The Stories of Naohiah: The Lion, The Bitch, and the Cupboard
(a.k.a. The 5 Minute Version)

World War II that time, German go and bomb England, so these four chewren go to live in a sipeh big castle. All the chewren, like Peter ah, Susie ah, Lucy ah, all very good, except this bugger Eddie. He never listen to people, later on confirm will tio daiji one. Even I not so clever also can tell. This movie very good. Make for stupid people to see one.

Then in the castle got one room got a big cupboard. This cupboard hor, gannina sipeh gan dua. Got forest inside, got mountain, got river, got castle somemore. Sipeh hoh. If our gahmen get, sure build IR one.

Here story sipeh lehcheh, the si-geena one by one go in. First Lucy see a half-man half-goat who never wear clothes, but cannot see his lampa. Then later Eddie (the bad boy!) go in and see The Evil Bitch who make it winter for 100 years (they also never say how she make winter, cheh), and she give him sweet then this stupid boy like her. Then later they play stupid game then all run into cupboard. But now the goat-man kena catch by the Bitch oredi.

Wah the Evil Bitch hor, she is damn power loh. Can turn people into stone (like that I think my cheekopek uncle will like), and sipeh evil somemore. Her hair also very tok kong, can stand by its ownself one.

Then a lot of things happen for no reason. The chewren meet some beavers (hee hee, they donch know charbor down there also called beaver) who save them, then got some of the Bitch's wolf want to kill them, then got what stupid prophecy say got two sons of Beng and two daughters of Lian who will save the world, then the Bitch also want to kill them, then the Bitch catch Eddie who go and powtoh them, then got the Lion call Similan who come and save them. Aiyah, many things happen lah, and all got no reason and all sipeh sian one.

Donch know why suddenly got Santa Claus come and give present, and his present is those sipeh power weapon somemore. Machiam like play computer game like that. Then donch know why the Lion stupid stupid go and let the Bitch kill him instead of Eddie. Donch know why the Bitch suddenly want to cut him botak. Then donch know why the whole fucking army will let one stupid boy Peter go and lead them when Similan die. Then donch know why after the two charbor go and cry cry cry then the stone table pichia and Similan suddenly alive again. Then they happily go and fight then donch know why suddenly all the chewrens can fight. Then donch know why the witch like only know how to turn people into stone only, but donch know any other spell. I think Hermione better loh, more chio somemore. But last time I see picher of small girl kena police investigation, so better donch think about her anymore.

Then at the end hor, for no reason all the chewren become king and queen. Siao, even I so stupid also know one country only got one king and queen, where got so many one? Who they want to bluff?

Aiyah, donch know why go and write so long. But it's a stupid show lah, I never bluff you. Even I can understand everything, must be stupid show. Donch waste money lah, sit at home and download porno to pah chew cheng better.

I go and see my dua neh bu now. Bye bye.


I apologize. The post above seems to be written by my chao ah beng split personality. I assure you, no way is my English that bad and incoherent.

For non-Singlish speakers, here are my thoughts on The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, which amazingly enough, are not that far off from my alter ego's.

Tilda Swinton is awesomely evil, and chillingly beautiful. Everything else just sucked balls. Clunky storytelling, foreshadowing you could spot ten miles away ("Why don't you ever listen, Edmund?"), clumsy dialogue, poor pacing, boring shots, bad acting (mostly from the kids)... it goes on. You can watch it for Swinton, but if you expect a good movie you're not gonna get it. The worst part about it was probably due to the Christian allegories. Since Christianity depends entirely on faith and belief, you need to suspend all of your normal rational thought processes. Because things don't happen according to what makes sense for the characters or the story. They happen because they have to happen, without any rhyme or reason.

Some examples: Where the fuck does the prophecy come from? How does the White Witch hold the land in perpetual winter when all she seems to be able to do is turn people to stone, and only with her wand? Aslan comes from nowhere, with no backstory and no real character, so what the fuck is up with him? All the rules and such that the story relies so heavily upon is thrown in haphazardly as and when needed, and feel arbitrary as fuck. What the fuck was Santa Claus doing in there? Just because someone said so, winter was suddenly over? How the hell can a whole army suddenly accept a fucking kid as their leader when their previous leader was a fucking lion who could kick much more ass than the kid ever could? What kind of stupid land would make four kids that came from nowhere their kings and queens?

Once you start thinking - any amount of thinking - the whole movie becomes a ludicrous joke. At least Harry Potter had a coherent world that operated within a certain set of rules. This just seems like someone was making shit up on the spot.

Yeah, if you still can't tell yet, I don't like it. Except for Tilda, she rocks, and her hairdos rock more.