Great Movies, Pity About the FUCKING IDIOTS

I really fucking hate watching movies in Singapore now. Two great movie experiences were recently tainted by the presence of absolute idiots, who shouldn't even be allowed to wander the streets unsupervised.

A History of Violence was a brilliant meditation on the effects of violence while simultaneously being a critique of the audience's penchant for bloodlust. Viggo Mortensen showed remarkable skill and subtlety previously only hinted at in The Lord of the Rings, and Maria Bello was, well... She was breathtaking in The Cooler, and she's just as wonderful here. Not to mention really hot. Lots of changes were made in the adaptation from the graphic novel, but they were for the better, I think, for they made the themes more focused.

Favorite scene: Probably the last scene, with its unspoken and unbearably high levels of tension, and for its bravery in sticking to ambiguity.

The idiots in the audience revealed themselves very quickly. They were a couple in their thirties sitting behind me. As they slid into their seats, they commented on how uncomfortable they were compared to the ones at Bishan. All well and good, I mean, who doesn't compare the comfort levels of theatres? But when their discussion goes on into the opening scene, I think that's taking it too far. So the nice, quiet tension is annoyingly broken by a treatise on the pros and cons of the rocking seat.

They then went into the obligatory discussion of the movie as it played out on the screen, with one asking stupid questions while the other answered. Mindless comments were all over the place, such as this gem after a particularly bloody scene: "Wah, really violent." I mean, it is called A History of Violence, you know.

They should really have a screening process for thought-provoking movies like these, that filters out the imbeciles. If you show yourself incapable of rational thought, deduction, analysis and other such skills, you will be barred from the show, and no refunds will be entertained. Then maybe we can all enjoy ourselves in peace and quiet without hearing your pathetic minds creaking as they try to catch up.

I thought that was going to be the extent of my negative movie experience that day, but I was to be proven far, far wrong. The same night, I went for a Safra members' screening of King Kong.

Perhaps on hindsight, I should've been warned by the fact that it was a Safra screening. Cue families with kids. Kids with really short attention spans. Kids swarming the lobby as we waited for the theatre doors to open. Kids that made me go, "Oh, fuck."

King Kong was every bit an epic, which Peter Jackson seems to be in the habit of making nowadays. It's got everything you could want, including giant insects, dinosaurs, a huge ape, a gorgeous woman, and a fight on top of the Empire State Building. But more importantly, it's got a heart. Andy Serkis' performance as Kong is heartachingly human, and this is the touch that elevates this beyond popcorn fodder. The dinosaur stampede was too long, and didn't look entirely convincing, but otherwise I couldn't find anything much to dislike about it. The CGI was gorgeous, and I truly believe that there is no way digital effects can be further improved in terms of realism. They might be able to do the same thing faster, but it can't look any better than this.

Favorite scene: Kong "ice-skating" with Naomi Watts in Central Park. Beautiful and tender, yet heartbreaking in the end.

Now, about the Idiots. There were several species of them that were present at this screening. The first was, of course, the blindingly stupid parents. These are the people that bring their five year-olds to a three hour-long film, forgetting that even the most well-behaved five year-old has the attention span of a hyperactive puppy. There is no child on Earth that can sit still for three hours and watch a movie, besides a dead one. Even if they sit there, they ask unanswerable questions of their parents constantly - unanswerable because that particular plot point will probably not be revealed for another half hour.

One particular kid behind me (why are they always behind me?), at the two-hour mark, was repeating the same question over and over again, "現在幾點? (What time is it?)" After the umpteenth time, I snapped, "還沒有到回家的時間! (It's not time to go home yet!)" He fell silent, and someone giggled. I felt immensely gratified. So this is what it feels like to tell someone to shut up and have them actually comply.

Then there's the other kind of moron, the people who are unable to let a thought flit across their tiny little brains without announcing it to the rest of the world. This applied to a woman, probably in her thirties, also seated behind me. Her witticisms included:

Naomi Watts looks at the sunset and says to Kong, "It's beautiful."
Woman: It's beautiful!

Kong gets shot repeatedly by fighter planes atop the Empire State Building.
Woman: Wah, if he falls down, all the people below how?

Kong really does fall off the Empire State Building.
Woman: Boom!
(This brings her a loud shush from everyone around)

Her comments were so loud and silly, they didn't seem to come from someone with a rational mind. And truth be told, she did look a little... off. So OK, I don't blame her so much. But still, if she did have a condition, whoever took her there should have been more considerate. If she wanted to see it, she could very well have waited till it came out on video and seen it at home without annoying other viewers.

I don't know what I can do about this, besides try to see movies at bizarre times like the middle of the day (doesn't work when it's a school holiday though) or the middle of the night (maybe more psychos are out at night). Add to the list people who answer their fucking phones during a movie, and you've got one very angry cinewhore. I'd like to bring a big stick to every screening, but it's kinda bulky, and I have a nagging suspicion that bludgeoning someone for being loud in a theatre might be a felony. Any ideas?