Ambivalence
It's Sunday now, which means that my big debut in a starring role on national television is tomorrow night. I haven't told many people about it, so I expect surprised calls and SMSes. Or maybe no one I know watches it, and I'm getting ahead of myself. Whatever. I don't really care either way. It's pretty terribly cut together, that much I know, having seen (kind of) a final cut.
I don't really wanna watch it at home, I think I'll feel weird when my parents see my performance. Not that it's a great one, it's just... weird. Like how I feel weird when they see any of my films. It's just that you never know what to expect from them, it's like, even if they don't get it, or hate it, they feel compelled to say something nice. Which usually turns out pretty lame. Or they like it but say something lame anyways, and I don't know how to answer. You know, something like "The weather was really nice that day." What can you say to that, besides, "Um, yeah"?
Um, yeah. Watch it and see what you think. Or don't. Either way. It don't really matter.
posted by cinewhore @ 5:17 PM
5 mindfucks
5 Comments:
"i don't really care either way." " it don't really matter." I think it does matter to you. it's just u who don't admit it. it's similar to this:
anutie A says: come visit my house, you dun have to bring anything.
auntie B says: no! how can? i insist on bringing something.
auntie A: no, no. u dun need to!
auntie B: yes i need. it's so pai-seh to come emptyhanded...
--- yes n no exchanges for the next couple of minutes---
at the end of the visit, auntie A says to husband: aiyoh! that B, come without bringing anything! tell her not to n she really did! she not chinese meh?
my point: as a typical chinese asian girl reading the entries on ur debut. the more u talk about it and the more emphasis that u DUN CARE. the more i think otherwise. okie! cya on tv tomorrow!
Well, it matters/doesn't matter in the sense that it's over and done with. My performance (or lack thereof, depending on how you see it) matters to me, so that's the extent of my personal involvement. As to whether or not my friends watch it, it's out of my control, and as to whether or not they like it, that's even less controllable. Hence the "it don't really matter". It's not as if I'm going to lose sleep if no one watches it. I'm not the producer, ratings don't affect me at all. And it's not as if I'm going to tear myself up if it seems like a terrible performance to others. I know that's not the best representation of what I can do, because I know for a fact that there was better material that wasn't in there for some reason or other, and the editing could've been much better. So there's my explanation/justification. Make of it what you will.
And who are you huh? Please leave your name leh...
ahahaha... i forgot. it's me.
meihui lah! :p
I had a feeling it was you...
gimme some mindfuckery
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