A (Not So) Simple Equation

Apologies to Angeline for (kinda) stealing her format...

Ingredients:

1) A Saturday night

2) A free stay at an upscale hotel

3) Two bottles of red wine

4) Two bottles of white wine

5) Half a bottle (approx. 500ml) of Malibu

6) A bottle (1 litre) of Johnny Walker Black Label

7) Five men

8) A camera phone

9) South Park Season 1 on DVD

10) A DVD player

11) Lots of potato chips

12) A loaf of chocalate-chip bread

Add the twelve ingredients above together and you get the following results:

(All names have been obscured for their protection. Please, don't even ask.)

1) Four men sniggering at the youngest member of the group passing out after one glass of white wine and a shot of Malibu.

2) Said youngest member waking up after two episodes of South Park and thirsting for much more.

3) First time taking shots for abovementioned young man.

4) Much loud raucous singing of old-school Chinese ballads (eg. 我是真的付出我的愛).

5) Belligerent discussion of soccer game on TV by some.

6) Drunk man dancing around saying, "I'm so drunk, I'm so drunk!"

7) Said drunk man taking tons of drunken pictures and movie clips with abovementioned camera phone (which will never be seen by anyone outside the five).

8) Drunken walk to 7-11 for more chips.

9) Chain-smoking along said drunken walk.

10) Drunk man launching himself from the floor repeatedly onto the bed like it was a swimming pool. Or a field of boobies. Or both.

11) The rapid attainment of the state of drunkenness where anything and everything seen, spoken or heard becomes abso-fuckin'-lutely hilarious.

12) Another drunken walk to the 7-11 to get an additional bottle of white wine (which has been included in the list above).

13) "You're drunk, right?" "Why else do you think I haven't gotten out of this chair all night?"

14) Drunk man jumping in the shower, turning on the water and sitting down in there in his FBT shorts, thereby ensuring he has no sleepwear.

15) Much discussion of different puking experiences.

16) Multiple trips to hug the toilet bowl and deposit various gastronomical contents by four of the men.

17) No such trips to hug the toilet bowl for our youngest, and most valiant member. And to think the four were sniggering at him before. Losers.

18) Said youngest and most valiant member also becoming the loudest and most belligerent member as the night wore on.

19) "I'M IN CONTROL. I'M IN CONTROL." (thump, thump, thump, as he knocks into walls, doors, etc.) "YOU ALL THINK I'M FUCKING DRUNK, RIGHT? BUT I'M NOT! I'M IN CONTROL." (thump! falls onto floor and refuses to be helped.) "I DON'T NEED HELP, I'M IN CONTROL." (looks at man sitting up on the bed) "GO TO SLEEP! I'M OK, I'M NOT DRUNK, I'M IN CONTROL!" (okay...)

20) Puke stains colored by red wine on a white T-shirt and a huge section of carpet - including a nice trail all the way to the bathroom.

21) Also, two towels destroyed by trying to soak up said puke stains on carpet.

22) Drunk man falling asleep hunched over the desk, only to wake up suddenly and deposit said huge puke stain and trail of puke on the carpeting.

23) Drunk man shitting himself for no apparent reason.

24) Five men passing out in bed, on floor and in cozy armchair.

25) Lazing around nursing hangovers and sore necks the next morning.

26) Recovery of most by lunch.

27) Excellent lor-mee at Telok Ayer hawker centre.

28) A cab trip home with a driver blasting bizarre Hokkien and Cantonese songs praising Jesus all the way. A sign? Maybe he was trying to save our sinful souls.

29) A massive, nauseating hangover for the youngest, most valiant, loudest and most belligerent member for the rest of the day. And possibly for some others too, I wouldn't know.

30) Some very pissed-off room cleaners. I can only guess.

The damage:

1) One stained T-shirt

2) One stained underwear

3) One stained pair of shorts

4) One wet pair of shorts

5) Two hotel towels

6) Huge section of stained carpet

7) One stained armchair

8) One stained footstool

9) One huge, nauseating hangover

10) A huge cleaning bill??? We'll find out...

I haven't gotten this piss-drunk since the night of the directing premiere in June, back in ol' E-ton. And we all know what a fiasco that entire night was. Thanks to everyone who came to that and tried to make me feel better though, I hope I was appreciative enough then. God knows I wasn't sober at all.

But all in all, this was an excellent night. Probably one of the happiest days I've had. Which is quite possibly due to point 11 above lasting for the longest time. I definitely feel better about my shitty job, and I didn't even have to bitch at all. Thank you all for a great time.