Madame Nazi Strikes

I went to a performance of《老九 音樂劇》(Lao Jiu the Musical) the other day. I'd seen the original straight theatre production (well, actually the re-staging of it) by Kuo Pao Kun, and had a very good impression of it. The play's protagonist, Ninth Child (Lao Jiu) has to choose between following the conventional path towards success and following his heart towards puppetry, summing up many a theatre practitioner's life decision.

However, the musical version had an uphill task this time around. And most of it was due to this particular staff member of the Drama Centre. Let's call her "Madame Nazi". She had a very distinctive look about her, not unfamiliar to many of us, the kind of woman many refer to as a "老處女", or Old Virgin. Basically, because she's been repressed her whole life, she sees it as her divine right and duty to make everyone else's lives as miserable as possible.

As we settled into our seats, my friend took out her mobile to send a message. Madame Nazi immediately pounced upon her.

"Please keep your phone. No use of mobile phones," she rasped.

My friend was bemused, but being a good Singaporean, she did as she was told. I said to her, loud enough to overhear, "There's still 15 minutes to showtime. This is ridiculous."

We then got to talking about the wireless internet available in the Central Library (the Drama Centre is located in the same building), and out of curiosity, I wanted to see if there was any wireless reception in the theatre. Checking my email would be preferable to sitting there and twiddling my thumbs anyway. So I whipped out my iBook.

Barely 20 seconds later, Madame Nazi appeared.

"Keep your computer, and put it under your chair."

"Why? This is ridiculous."

"No use of devices. Keep now."

"What is this? The show hasn't started yet."

"That's the rule. No devices."

I half-felt like making a scene, but kept my laptop anyway, muttering loudly, "Maybe the electromagnetic waves will make the actors' brains explode."

Obviously she didn't get the humor in that.

Where the hell were these "rules" anyway? I didn't see them posted anywhere.

Now that I think back on it, I was probably too nice. I should've made a huge scene. After all, such bitches only deserve the best from me, and I'm always glad to have a captive audience.

Actually, given what was to come in the performance, I probably wouldn't have minded getting thrown out of the theatre. It'd be kinda fun too, since I've never actually been thrown out of anywhere before.

Anyway, my friends heard from an usher friend of theirs that Madame Nazi was notorious for being a hard-ass bitch, and was universally detested even in their circle. Which only confirms my Old Virgin theory.

So I was already pissed before the curtain was raised. I turned to my friend and said, "It's going to be really hard to make me like this show."

And of course it was a let-down. The lead was simply underqualified to take the lead in a musical; his voice didn't have the power to do that. It didn't help that his character seemed undeveloped, with numerous scenes of him studying for an exam and not much in terms of his supposed love for puppetry. The songs were mostly forgettable, and the only people who managed to wring any pathos out of their performances were 黃家強 (Johnny Ng) as the Father and Lim Kay Siu as the Old Puppeteer. Even then, Kay Siu had to learn Mandarin especially for the role, and his discomfort showed, rendering his performance less powerful than what he was capable of. The supporting cast were OK, but the lacklustre performance of the lead really made everything go down like a lead balloon.

It all came together in a ridiculous scene featuring huge puppets fighting and twirling around onstage, which not only felt wrong in the context of the play, it was just plain laughable. Oh, and the nearly three hour long runtime was unforgivable too, considering how much crap still remained to be cut.

Actually I shouldn't have been surprised. After all, it had been directed by Kuo's daughter Kuo Jian Hong. She is notorious for unleashing Avatar upon the world. For those unfamiliar with it, there are no words to describe this celluloid atrocity. Unfortunately, it has a place in history as Singapore's first sci-fi feature, but really, nothing can justify its existence. When I saw it, I literally felt like I was slowly dying in the theatre. That's how bad it was. I only gave this musical a chance because I thought she might have a homeground advantage on the stage. She did, but not by much.

Hopefully Rent can wash some of this foul taste out of my mouth. Ugh.