The Worst Songs of All Time

We all love music, right? Well, at least most of us do, anyway. When a good song plays on the radio and it's something we like, it feels good, doesn't it? To hum along, or sing along, or simply just nod your head in time with it.

But a bad song... it's enough to make you wanna stick pencils in your ears. I'm a fan of good lyrics, so bad ones can really irk me, even though the tune is usually what gets me all riled up first. Anyway.

Presenting: The Worst Songs of All Time (well, maybe not All Time), in no particular order.

Note #1: I originally intended the list to comprise of 10 songs, but as more and more came to mind, I decided, to hell with it. If I hate it, onto the list it goes.

Note #2: Most of the songs are Chinese, since I listen to more Chinese than English music.

老鼠愛大米 (Twins, 郭美美, 楊臣剛, et. al.)
Mouse Loves Corn (Twins, Jocie Guo, Yang Chen Gang, et. al.)
Not only does this have a terribly simplistic, rural-type tune, the lyrics are peurile. The fact that so many people sang it just means that there are a million different cover versions, all of which are shit.

完美的一天 (孫燕姿)
A Perfect Day (Stefanie Sun)
What the fuck was she thinking? Probably included on her album because she was trying to pander to the Mainland China market. It's very wannabe-artsy but falls flat on its face because of the utterly stupid lyrics and lack of a tune.

寂寞保齢球 (張惠妹)
Lonely Bowling Ball (A-Mei)
I don't think this can even be considered a song, not when I can't manage to find a tune anywhere in it. And with lyrical gems like "當愛情讓我 feel so boring, 我開始愛上打 bowling," it goes straight into the Condemned List.
Translation: When love makes me feel so boring, I start to love going bowling.
*Gag*

Superstar (S.H.E.)
Three shrieky overgrown girls acting cute, prancing around and trying to do bad rock is enough to give anyone a headache. Actually most of their songs give me a headache.

心太軟 & 傷心太平洋 (任賢齊)
Too Soft-Hearted & Sad Pacific Ocean (Richie Ren)
It's hard to pick any one song of Richie Ren's, because they're all unequivocally awful. But some of the worst has to be 心太軟 and 傷心太平洋. Basically love anthems for the pining ah beng, with crass tunes and shitty lyrics.

對面的女孩看過來 & 大肚腩 (阿牛 陳慶祥)
The Girl Across Look Over Here & Big Belly (Ah Niu Chen Qing Xiang)
This guy's obviously from the kampung (village) in Malaysia (I mean, his nickname is Ah Niu, meaning "cow"), so it's no surprise that his tunes are overly simplistic, bordering on the inane and so are his lyrics. Can he be blamed for that? No. Can I hate him for it? Of course I can.

小薇 (黃品源)
Xiao Wei (Huang Pin Yuan)
Another ah beng favorite. Crap on a stick. Next.

月光 (王心凌)
Moonlight (Cyndi Wang)
The neverending song that goes around and around and nowhere in general. I tire of her breathless squeak.

新鴛鴦蝴蝶夢 (黃安)
New Mandarin Ducks Butterfly Dream (Huang An)
Um, the title loses quite a bit in the translation. Basically "Mandarin Ducks" is also a term used for a loving couple. And butterfly... I dunno. Same thing, I guess. So probably it should be translated as New Lovers' Dreams.
Anyway, this song was overplayed when it first came out over 10 years ago. I hated it then and I still hate it now, and not just because of the overly-traditional arrangement.

中國人 & 馬桶 (劉德華)
Chinese & Toilet Bowl (Andy Lau)
The former stinks to high heaven of nationalistic pride (probably pandering to Mainland China) - the wording 中國人 refers more specifically to Mainland Chinese than 華人 (Chinese) does. And the latter... do we really need a song about how the toilet bowl washes away all our troubles and is our best friend? I don't know about Andy, but I'm rarely on such intimate terms with my crapper, unless it's after a crazy party.

I'm a Slave For You (Britney Spears)
Besides looking like a whore, she also sings like one. Whenever I hear the over-the-top arrangement and moaning, I want to throw the radio out the window. If I wanted to hear dirty talk, I'd watch a porno.

Dragostea din Tei (O-Zone) and all other re-interpretations
I blame Disney for inflicting this on me. That fucking Chicken Little trailer was so bloody irritating, I wanted to pick up the nearest cheering child and hurl it at the screen. And now there are countless covers and cellphone ringtones, making it almost impossible to not hear it at least once a day.

Axel F (Crazy Frog)
I actually didn't know of this song until I read some truly horrible things about it. Then of course I had to download it and see how bad it was. It's really bad. Not that the theme song from Beverly Hills Cop was an amazing work of art, but to sprinkle idiotic "frog noises" all over it while setting it to a shitty techno beat is too much. The frog looks positively evil, with his tiny froggy genitalia dangling for all the world to see.

Lemon Tree (Fool's Garden)
A huge smash hit in the mid-90's also means overplay like nothing else. Even a good tune might sound grating after a while. This one had a mediocre, artificially-poppy feel (and by that I mean they sounded like they were high on Prozac), which really got on your nerves after hearing it for the umpteenth time. "I wonder how, I wonder why..." this piece of crap was such a hit.

OK, I've run out of songs to list at this point in time. Please feel free to write in with your own suggestions and justifications. This should be fun.