Messages From the Heartlands

So last spring I took a road trip with Nate, Naureen and Katie to New Orleans. We drove there in a little rental car, making stops along the way in places like Memphis, Avery Island and Nashville, among others. Needless to say, it was pretty damn awesome. Even though it was only in March, it feels like a lifetime ago.

I have many fond memories of that trip. Memories like:

Eating the tastiest burger ever - with toppings of blue cheese and caviar - in a little bar in the French Quarter, based on the recommendation of this old biker dude standing around outside.

Getting so filled up with beer, Jim Beam and SoCo (Southern Comfort, for those not in the know) later that I threw up said burger into some Osco party cups by the bed.

Nate nursing his Jim Beam every single day.

The crap that was the Knight's Inn.

The ghetto motel with bars on the windows and a one-way mirror where the receptionist was, which freaked us out so much we peeled away as fast as we could.

Getting lost on the highways around New Orleans.

Sleeping in the park in the French Quarter, feeling the warm sun on our faces and the breeze in our hair, and best of all, the cool grass beneath our backs, all the while thinking, "It must be fucking freezing in Chicago".

Meeting Crotty in Nashville and going out on the town... the karaoke bar where Crotty almost took over another dude's song (hey, the guy was also called Brian) by mistake and which we left after a really short while because it was unbelievably lame.

Naureen getting a speeding ticket in Alabama and lying to her parents about being a victim of identity theft.

Her parents actually believing her incredible story about identity theft.

Good, hearty (and fattening) Southern Food every day of the trip.

The little packs of drinks (Jammers, I believe they were called) we popped all along the way in the car.

The Madness that was Graceland. 'Nuff said. Oh, and Naureen danced to Elvis tunes in the line as we waited, which was pretty funny.

Our trusty styrofoam ice box, the cover of which I promptly broke as soon as I set my arm down on it.

Mad-Libs in the car.

The endless supply of CDs.

The awesomeness that was Avery Island, and actually sticking half my body out the sunroof while shooting the video.

The travel video that was never made. Well, at least I never made it. I hope someone did.

The amazingly cool New Orleans Ghost Tour that Katie and I went on.

The girls along Bourbon Street flashing strangers to get beads in return.

The unspeakable wonder that was the French Quarter, and especially Bourbon Street.

The billboards in the South.

*****

Speaking of which, I wrote down what was on some of these awesome billboards, and I'm listing them here for posterity. With people like these, no wonder the heartlands voted for Bush.

A Nation that Kills Its Children is a Nation Without Hope. Stop Abortion.

You're in Jackpot Territory.

Don't Gamble With Your Life. Choose Abstinence.

Multiplication... God's Plan for You.

I rest my case.